What's Your Relational Stress Style

Over 20 years working with people in conflict  ....

I saw two types of regret: People either avoided conflict but doubted themselves later ... or they got upset and argued when that wasn't their intention. 

After listening to hundreds of these stories, I realized that a silent dynamic was driving both the self-doubt & the unhelpful arguing.

In stressful interactions, the matching dynamic can push us into relational patterns that keep us from being authentic, or calm when we want to be.  This quiz can help you gauge your Relational Stress Style™. Read the items below, and count how many green versus blue statements resonate for you. 

👇 Read below and count up how many  GREEN statements and/or  BLUE statements resonate for you? 👇

1. Saying "No"?

When I sense conflict or feel pressure to agree with something, it's difficult for me to say "no." I will often doubt myself when I do.

In stressful interactions, I sometimes have a difficult time accepting that someone doesn't see my point of view.

2. Making Decisions?

I delay or doubt myself when making decisions that involve other people, because I'm afraid I"ll disappoint someone, or I"ll make the "wrong" decision.

I don't usually have a problem making decisions. I'm usually quite decisive. But I can get bogged down in debates with people, if they don't agree with what I believe is best.

3. Common feeling in stressful interactions?

Sometimes I feel sort of invisible in  certain relationships, or in certain moments.

It's hard for me to have patience in disagreements or arguments. When I have an opinion, it's a strong one.

4. Common regret after tough conversations?

I usually try to keep the peace, but this can leave me tolerating decisions or situations that irritate me later. I wish I felt more confident to speak up or share my opinion sometimes.

In the moment, I have no problem speaking my mind. But sometimes I get too worked up and say the wrong thing, or say things in a way that sounds more harsh than I intended.

What's your Relational Stress Style?

Option 1

More GREEN statements: 

The pattern of "puddling" can happen in stressful situations when you unconsciously feel obliged to completely "match" what other people expect of you. This may not be a conscious thought you've had. But it is sort of the premise behind hoping to "not disappoint" anyone.

Option 2

More BLUE statements:

 "Freezing" can happen in stressful situations where you unconsciously feel driven to get other people to "match" what you believe is best. It's not wrong to express your opinions. But we can develop patterns of too often "freezing into rigidity" about our opinion, when there may be other separate but valid ones.

Option 3

Puddle & Freeze

You may fall into both "puddling" or "freezing" depending on the context or type of relationship. For example, maybe you tend to puddle at work and strive to say "yes" to everything. But at home, you might be a little unbending about decisions if you are tired or "maxed out." after a long day.

Learn How You Can Untangle Yourself
from Relational Stress

The VisibleU Method™ for healthy boundaries and mindful communication